As a marriage counselor, I have had to deal with cases where the wife complains that the husband has developed a tendency of not giving them the respect they deserve.
So this post answers the question: “ Why does my husband belittle me, even in public?” as asked by a number of wives I have dealt with.
Are you struggling with the same issue? Has it become intolerable? Are you wondering why your once loving partner has turned to something else?
As in, he puts you down in every way, you try to talk sense, and it is as if he relates your ideas to that of a child, you ask a question, he rephrases it to show that you did not ask right. As in, it is as if he has set a standard for you and when you don’t reach, he makes you feel insignificant and stupid. Take it easy, you are not alone.
The first thing to note is that this is a common issue in today’s society, so stop thinking that you are completely to blame. In fact, you are not all that he is saying, just don’t buy into it. Sometimes this has got nothing to do with your capacity. It may all have to do with his personal issues.
I will explain that into details, plus what to do when your husband belittles you. But first, below is a bullet summary of the answers I give to wives who claim their hubby puts them down all the time.
Answers to the question “why does my husband belittle me”:
I have done extensive research on this topic and below are some of the reasons most relationship coaches say are the reasons a husband may adapt the habit of putting the wife down all the time:
- He may be having a control factor problem
- Could be he has never considered seeing your side of the story
- He’s insecure
- He thinks putting you down would make him great
- That’s how he was raised
- He doubts your capacity
- He thinks you are better and strong so he is trying to equalize
- You act needy which makes you vulnerable to
- You are a people pleaser
- You act naïve
In the above list, I have categorized the reasons your husband likes to belittle you into two groups. The first set (7 of them come from his behavioral issues,) while the second set of reasons why he puts you down (which are only 3 in number) is what you may need to personally address.
Let’s dig into the details of these points a bit, this will help us know the hidden signs of belittling your spouse could be harboring as well as see what to do when your husband says hurtful things to pin you down:
My husband belittles me: Now let’s go deeper into why he does so:
Could be He has a Control Factor Problem
Sounds complex but it is not, this simply means he is one of those men who want to make sure everything goes according to their perspective. Just to mention, there is a section of men who because of many reasons think wives can’t lead and they must be shown the way always like a little kid. Well, if your man is among them that does not warrant for a divorce, that’s his personal set of beliefs and subject to change the moment he will start realizing he has been wrong all along.
Factually, living with a control freak who is supposed to be your husband can be devastating. He kind of monitors and disapproves everything you say or do. Unfortunately, the behavior is ingrained in him and you can do very little to correct him – he is trying to belittle you, to make you feel you must agree with him to be significant. The truth is you are already significant just that he either doesn’t want to see that, or he is so taken by his ego that he can’t see it.
A controlling spouse as a topic on its own is a serious one. I like facts and just checking on Google the phrase: controlling partner or husband criticizes me constantly gets me around 128,000,000 results ( in 0.46 sec) and 324,000 results ( in 0.44 sec) respectively, on Google, telling you a lot has been written about it.
What Do You do when a Controlling Husband Belittles you?
Plan to be consciously aware of this behaviors next time he starts putting you down. Think of how refreshing it is to tell yourself, “lady he has started it again and I am not going to buy into it.” Talking to yourself that way means you already made a decision you are not going to take the offense because you are not guilty at the first place, that’s just his way of getting in control of your emotions, so just listen and don’t react.
He doesn’t See Your Side of the Story
My husband belittles me. Another major reason why your husband has formed that strange habit to look down on you could be because he is not seeing your side of things. Okay, naturally most couples are a direct opposite of each other, that’s the reason why arguments often spark in a marriage.
You think you are mature but he thinks you still have got many stages to go through before he can consider you mature enough. That’s a common question, with approximately over 7500000 and 450000 plus mentions on Google and Bing respectively.
As in, don’t get overly concerned that he puts you down in everything you say, sometimes it’s because he is always approaching everything from his point of view. Another point to note is the fact you are a woman and your husband is a man, and both of you are biologically and emotionally wired completely different.
In fact, the problem is just that he is trying to prove a point and being the fool he is, he thinks that the only way he can make you understand is by belittling you, and unfortunately, because you don’t know this, you end up struggling to try to prove yourself. What to do when your husband belittles you in this case;
Tip: The fact that he thinks he is always right, don’t give him a platform to put you down. Simply abort the topic immediately you realize he has taken his selfish point of view.
The way out is you can simply tell him (with respect) that what you think as a woman is different, and that you can’t really get his take from a man’s point of view since you are not one, and bring in another different story. Or you can simply swallow the whole thing and don’t answer to his putting you down, behavior.
You Might be Living with an Insecure Husband
That’s why he’s font of putting you down” – says Rodger the writer.
Is he overly insecure in his character? Don’t ask why does my husband belittle me because that’s the reason. In fact, most often an insecure partner can make you think you are not enough and you need to do a lot to keep their approval.
But what is sad is the fact that you can never do enough to make an insecure person feel cherished, he will always switch, to point to something he thinks you are doing wrong to make you feel insecure as well to bring you to his level.
Psychologically speaking, insecure men think confident women are intimidating and as such, they are a threat to their respect. Like you may know one of the major needs of a man is respect and insecure men can do anything (even if it means belittling their wives) to feel they are honored.
Insecurity in couples can manifest in many ways. From a wives side she may become nagging and overprotective and from the husband side, he may become overly controlling, ever angry and cruel.
Tip: So in this case, if you’ve realized the reason your husband belittles you is because of his insecurities, it is good that you start to build him up if you can to help him feel safe. The reason you may want to do this is that his behavior at the end of the day still impacts you as her wife. So help him deal with insecurity by affirming him, and telling him that you love him even with his inadequacies.
My husband belittles me: Could be He Doubts Your Capacity
Let’s set things right for this point. The fact that your hubby doubts your capacity to handle or deliver things might have nothing to do with the truth; everybody has a choice to think what they want to think about you and you shouldn’t put yourself down based on that – you can’t always get into someone’s mind to regulate what they need to think about you.
However, even though we know that, it’s funny that we resolve to live a life of wanting to make people think nicely about us – which is why it so hurting to know that your partner thinks so low about you. I can imagine how many women ask with pain why does my husband belittle me even in public after all I’ve tried to prove that I’m worthy of respect.
Woman, stop that, trying to always prove your value simply means that you’ve accepted his sentiments define you. And you know what, he is using that as a switch to dictate your happiness and emotional state. Still asking why husband belittles my feelings….?
Tip: You didn’t marry to live a life of ever proving your worth. Nobody can validate your worth as a human being because you are already too expensive and super precious. Okay, this doesn’t mean that you divorce him, what it means is simply don’t let his demeaning character and behavior determine your capacity.
…May be the thing he keeps haunting you with is just because you haven’t been given chance and time to be that super-woman he has in his mind. After all, you cannot meet anyone’s expectations because you’ll never access what is in their mind. So simply ignore his doubts about you and focus on what’s more important in the marriage. You’ll be amazed at how this drains his critical and belittling attitude every time you just ignore the insults.
Stop Being Needy and Vulnerable
“Or else you’ll for forever complain saying my husband belittles me.”
Do you act or behave like an overly needy person? This alone is one of the major reasons why your husband puts you down or is condescending. It’s funny that humans, instead of sympathizing with a needy person they often become more intolerant and somewhat merciless. Unfortunately, your husband is also a human, and you acting always needy make you vulnerable – you may not escape being belittled.
In other words, you will want to cease your needy character to reclaim back your respect. Often than not, people who like being needy think that they will make people sympathize with them.
However, the truth is, everybody already has their own problems. In fact, your husband has his fair share of problems that he battles with every day, so you being “the needy wife” is just adding to his sorrows, that’s why you are a problem and he is trying to solve you by putting you down… well. you may be telling yourself this has gone overboard: why does my husband put me down in front of others in public???
Tip: As a wife, accept the fact that your husband cannot be the answer to all your needs. Don’t search for happiness from your husband — that makes you needy and vulnerable. When he sees that you can as well be joyous, peaceful, smiling by yourself and confident, his demeaning and belittling attitude will cease.
Stop Being a Pleaser
“If you want the phrase my husband belittles me to end.”
Are you a people pleaser, are you always bothered with what people think about you, how someone might react when you don’t act humble or in a certain manner? Okay, back to your marriage, have you been trying to overly please your husband at the expense of your internal joy and peace?
If you are sacrificing everything including your opinions and inborn right of being diverse or different this could be the reason your husband does look down on you. As in, to him you are not just original, you appear fake and that’s why he puts you down. Generally, a pleaser always thinks people would be nice to them but the opposite ends up being. What to do when your husband belittles you for being a pleaser:
Tip: Still asking why does my husband belittle me? The answer is, stop being a pleaser, it makes you’re a victim and you must have realized that not just your hubby thinks low about you, even your friends seem to trash every good you try to show them. You are not responsible for his happiness, you are his wife and he just has to keep up with you the way you are.
Does this mean you step out of the marriage, nope: It simply means stop trying to live for him – you can’t be all he wants and still be you. Although it might take sometimes before he notices your change of attitude, continue being yourself, and with time your husband will have no otherwise but to respect your views and opinions – without putting you down.
My husband belittles me: Stop Acting Naïve!
Look at your life have you been acting naïve? Well, this is common with many married women. As in, you are just not interested in knowing what your husband wants you to give suggestion upon, or involved. At times it is good to balance life, analyze the things that interest your man and do a bit of research about them to make him feel “we are together in this.”
As in think of a case where your husband wants to talk with you about investing in a mortgage, but he notices that you are completely disinterested in that. Worse of all is when your husband realizes that you are completely visionless – there is nothing you are planning to achieve in life.
If you are that, don’t ask why does my husband belittle me, because your character exposes you to him being demeaning and rude to you. What to do when your husband belittles you for being naïve:
Tip: Since, you now know he rubbishes you because of being visionless and non-participative in his development projects, the solution is simple, just become involved. Buy into things that interest or make him feel him worth living for, pledge your support and offer a helping hand to let him know that you are willing to become resourceful.
The answers in summary form, for what to do when your husband belittles you:
- Stop feeding his control factor problem, stop arguing, ignore the insults
- Focus on what is important for the relationship
- Just know he is insecure and doesn’t buy into his insecurities
- Be visionary and participate in development projects
- Stop thinking that you must meet all his expectations
- Stop being needy and beggy
- Don’t argue with over things you are not sure of
- Stop complaining when he puts you down, instead, just encourage yourself that you are not that
- Don’t be sorry for his blindness and not seeing your worth, your value stands with or without his approval
- Acquire knowledge and skills that would end your naivety, let him see value in you
- With the above, you’ll never again ask why does my husband belittle me.
Of cause, it’s true that your husband might just be self-centered and an attention seeker that he wants to always be the one speaking and in charge…. But the truth about life is, it’s not easy to love unconditionally, your husband wants to see some value in you to respect you.
Case closed for why does my husband belittle me in public! Right? So do you have any comments or thoughts to add on this matter? Please comment below and let us help each other get the facts right on this topic!